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televisionaries!
01/06/02 @ 11:37 p.m.
A few days ago, Channel 4 showed a programme where a bunch of 11 and 12 year old kids were left alone in a house for five days, without any adult supervision. The supposedly shocking outcome was that they trashed the house, hardly washed, ate a load of junk food, bullied each other, and generally pissed their time away. I’m sure everyone tuning in was amazed to learn that the kids didn’t spend their time making corn dolls and building treehouses. They must have been shocked that no one thought, “There’s no adult supervision, no Playstation and no TV, I think I’ll write a sonnet to pass the time.” It was very enlightening. Now we know children need adult supervision, and that boredom leads to bad behaviour. Thank God the producers had the insight and the vision to make that show and teach us those lessons. Now the plans to fire all teachers and nannies, have all parents destroyed, and all governments run by five-year-olds will have be scrapped. It was a close call, but they showed us the error of our ways just in time. I’m now in talks to produce similar programmes myself, with that same level of insight and unpredictability. I’ve pitched a fascinating show, where we’ll see what happens when a mouse is left alone in a room with a piece of cheese. Then we’ll study how a car reacts when you put it at the top of a hill and let off the handbrake. I’ll then top that with a fascinating sociological study of what happens when monkeys are given matchsticks and told to build a life-size replica of Mia Farrow. What a waste of time.
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