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anthrax schmanthrax

15/10/01 @ 10:26p.m.

Let’s be honest about this. Let’s ignore the media’s attempts to add drama to it and just admit what we all know – the anthrax thing is piss-poor, isn’t it? An envelope with white powder, this is the best they can do. Why don’t they just write us nasty letters telling us we’re mean? Or put a turd in a paper bag, set it on fire and leave it on the doorstep of the White House? Just because it’s international terrorism doesn’t mean it can’t be petty, they’re proving that much!

My sources predict an escalation in this kind of terrorism. First, Bin Laden will repeat what Bush says but in a whiney, high-pitched voice. Next, members of the Al-Qaeda movement will begin humming at American supply teachers. Prominent Congressmen will receive phone calls from strangers wanting to talk to Amanda Huggenkiss, and when leading Senators hear a knock at their door they’ll open it to see no one there. The Supreme Court will then be covered in toilet paper and silly string, and terrorists will gather in the major cities across the country to sing songs they know that will get on your nerves.

But for the time being these criminal masterminds have got us all on the lookout for white powder. And it’s a big shock some of it’s been found in the TV industry, isn’t it? In the coming months, expect more to be found among lawyers, movie executives, and Robert Downey Jr. Now to the more important issue of the day: what do you think of the new layout?

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