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the anus of evil has parped once more!
06/01/02 @ 11:32 p.m.
There was some fantastic Daily Mailism in today’s paper, which was technically the Mail on Sunday, but the difference is like that between horse shit and cow shit. The Mail’s been the star of a few entries already, but their evil keeps on coming so I feel the need to keep on ranting. Today, chief twat Peter Hitchens decided it was time to tell us of TV’s “awesome power to undermine morality and respectability and to destroy the old idea of a hard-working, law-abiding, well-behaved middle-class.” Again. He never gets tired of it. This is a guy who even manages to outdo the evil of his predecessor, Norman Tebbit, who’d enjoyed explaining why women shouldn’t be in politics. While most of us think soap operas are just unoriginal pap (with the exception of Prisoner, obviously), Hitchens insists they’re vessels of evil that “invade and colonise our imaginations, undermine our morals and rob us of our individuality.” It’s only because he’s such a po-faced old shit that you know he’s being serious about this stuff. He’s somehow managed to harness the intense paranoia of the middle class, and now blows it out of his arse and onto his page every week without fail. In today’s, he warns that “children as young as three have been left in front of Neighbours!” Finally, someone’s found the root of society’s evils! Toddlers watching Australian soaps!! How could we have been so stupid? All of this is standard Daily Mail journalism, but what elevates it into my Premier League of dumb-ass articles is this giveaway sentence: “I am told (and forgive me if I have this wrong) that in the current plot...” That’s it, Hitchens! We read it right, the game’s up - you don’t even watch the fucking show! So, Peter Hitchens, on the off-chance your vanity has you searching the internet for your own name, I hope Google picks this up so you can see me calling you a pompous, po-faced, Sam-the-eagle-Muppet-lookalike, paranoid, hateful, shit-eating moron, who deserves to live in a world where your skewed view of this one is actually real, so you’re mugged every time you leave the house, you’re burgled every night by paedophiles and teenagers wanting money to feed their text-message habit, and where you’re a grand-dad at age sixteen because the state’s sex education classes tell your kids to fuck in their lunchbreaks. I dunno about you, but I feel better for that!
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