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cinematic evil

20/10/01 @ 11:59 p.m.

I’m a petty, petty man. Pathetic things annoy me far too much and for far too long, and today my pettiest obsession has finally been given an entry of its own. My first website, Jim’s Page of Rant (which remains unlinked due to its crapness) had a section devoted to this subject; the sci-fi site I was planning before boredom set in had three sections devoted to it, and, now, Diaryland must witness me laying into the biggest piece of shit the world has ever seen: Independence Day!
I hate this film with such passion that I won’t rest until everyone in the world hates it as much I do. Listed below are the first twenty-eight reasons why you, too, should realise it’s the biggest cinematic turd ever squeezed. Beware of spoilers if you’ve never seen it, and beware of painful memories if you have.
(1) It's written, produced and directed by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich. They suck.
(2) The whole movie is an uncredited rip off of War Of The Worlds.
(3) Tits that they are, Devlin and Emmerich seem to think they're in the same league as James Cameron. He had T2, which sounded cool, they have ID4 which not only sounds shit, but doesn't even make sense. If it was the fourth movie in the franchise it would be understandable, but the 4 comes from Independence Day being on the fourth of July, and with that logic, Apollo 13 should be called A131970.
(4) This was the movie that inflated Will Smith's ego to epic proportions. We can’t ever forgive it for that.
(5) Onto the plot: The mothership that brings the aliens is half the size of the moon. It makes its way to earth without being spotted.
(6) Will Smith wanders out of his house, picks up his newspaper from the pavement and starts reading it before he notices the mile-wide spaceship hovering above him. It’s a toss-up for the title of Dum-Dum Of The Year between him and the guys from NASA who didn’t notice it coming.
(7) His girlfriend comes out after him and manages to make it all the way up to him before she notices it. God, I hate this film.
(8) You want cliches? We got 'em! How about a know-all computer genius, a mad scientist, a disillusioned man rediscovering his faith, a hot shot pilot complete with waiting family, a straight-arrow president, a bunch of cocky marines and a loser drunk? Will that do?
(9) People shit their pants about the effects, but when the White House is blown up it looks like it's a model made out of matchsticks.
(10) During this attack, the White House is completely destroyed. Every room is destroyed. When a tunnel is blown up, Will Smith's girlfriend escapes the fire sweeping through it by hiding in a cupboard. I know for a fact there's at least one cupboard in the White House, but I guess they weren't as lucky. How can a movie be this dumb?
(11) After the whole city's been blown up, Will Smith's girlfriend manages to find a nicely undamaged fire truck, with the keys waiting for her inside. These guys gets all the breaks, don't they?
(12) Jeff Goldblum's dad has lost his faith, but fortunately he regains his full belief after aliens, who don’t feature too prominently in the Bible, come down and destroy the earth. Hard to see how that reinforces his beliefs, really.
(13) The scene where the fighter plane follows the alien ship through a canyon is a big rip off of the chase through the Death Star in Star Wars.
(14) When the alien is shot down, Will Smith punches it in the face with the quip "Welcome to earth!" He then adds insult to injury with the smart-ass comment, "That's what I call a close encounter!" What better time to crack wise than when millions of people have just been killed?
(15) We are told that America can't contact other countries because the aliens control all of earth's satellites. Sky TV is still broadcasting. I hate this movie.
(16) It refers to the Roswell crash in the fifties, although 1947 is more commonly thought of as being in the forties. Nice research, fuckwits.
(17) The President doesn't know Area 51 exists, even though there are signs outside it saying "Area 51", it's marked on tourist maps as "Area 51" and there's an "Area 51" Diner just down the road from Area 51. It’s believed George W Bush based his stupidity on this character.
(18) Towards the end of the film, people just wander in to Area 51 as carefree as they like.
(19) Somehow, Jeff Goldblum's dad finds a copy of the bible in there.
(20) The aliens that have been held at area 51 look nothing like the Greys who are described by most abductees, but like a bad rip-off of the aliens from Sigourney Weaver's franchise. God forbid they let a bit of originality or research creep in.
(21) The ship looks nothing like the one described by witnesses of the Roswell crash, but is sort of croissant-shaped, as if they thought the toys would look more interesting that way.
(22) Will Smith says he has seen the ship fly so he'd be able to fly it himself. A five year old has seen a car being driven but he wouldn't pass the fuckin test. Although he could have written a more intelligent script.
(23) We are shown the powerful deflector shield on the recovered ship, but just before that we see people walking around on top of it. How short are these pricks' attention spans? By this point my goldfish was pointing out mistakes.
(24) Randy Quaid is laughed at through the whole movie whenever he talks about his experiences with aliens. Just as he's about to get into a plane and kill the aliens who are attacking earth, he's still laughed at. Wouldn't people be a little more open to what he's saying now half of them have been killed by aliens?
(25) You can't understand a word of Bill Pullman's "moving" speech at the end of the movie. Technically that could be a good point.
(26) At the end of the movie, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum hide from the telepathic aliens by ducking below the window of their spaceship. And it works.
(27) In the same scene they manage to disable the aliens' computer system by infecting it with a virus. From an Apple Mac. That compatibility's a spot of luck, isn't it?
(28) Worst of all, it supports the idea that sci-fi can be full of mistakes because "it's not real." Nearly every review said something like "leave your brain at home and you'll love it" but sci-fi should be the genre of imagination and intelligence. Please, lord, destroy every copy of this movie before more innocent people suffer!

b o o k m a r k s-----r u d i e s-----u p d a t e s-----m y--i l l n e s s -----m o v i e--r e v i e w s

Content and layout © Yawner, 2001. Hosted by Diaryland. Best viewed with IE5, probably pants with Netscape.


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cinematic evil
20/10/01 @ 11:59 p.m.
I’m a petty, petty man. Pathetic things annoy me far too much and for far too long, and today my pettiest obsession has finally been given an entry of its own. My first website, Jim’s Page of Rant (which remains unlinked due to its crapness) had a section devoted to this subject; the sci-fi site I was planning before boredom set in had three sections devoted to it, and, now, Diaryland must witness me laying into the biggest piece of shit the world has ever seen: Independence Day! I hate this film with such passion that I won’t rest until everyone in the world hates it as much I do. Listed below are the first twenty-eight reasons why you, too, should realise it’s the biggest cinematic turd ever squeezed. Beware of spoilers if you’ve never seen it, and beware of painful memories if you have. (1) It's written, produced and directed by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich. They suck. (2) The whole movie is an uncredited rip off of War Of The Worlds. (3) Tits that they are, Devlin and Emmerich seem to think they're in the same league as James Cameron. He had T2, which sounded cool, they have ID4 which not only sounds shit, but doesn't even make sense. If it was the fourth movie in the franchise it would be understandable, but the 4 comes from Independence Day being on the fourth of July, and with that logic, Apollo 13 should be called A131970. (4) This was the movie that inflated Will Smith's ego to epic proportions. We can’t ever forgive it for that. (5) Onto the plot: The mothership that brings the aliens is half the size of the moon. It makes its way to earth without being spotted. (6) Will Smith wanders out of his house, picks up his newspaper from the pavement and starts reading it before he notices the mile-wide spaceship hovering above him. It’s a toss-up for the title of Dum-Dum Of The Year between him and the guys from NASA who didn’t notice it coming. (7) His girlfriend comes out after him and manages to make it all the way up to him before she notices it. God, I hate this film. (8) You want cliches? We got 'em! How about a know-all computer genius, a mad scientist, a disillusioned man rediscovering his faith, a hot shot pilot complete with waiting family, a straight-arrow president, a bunch of cocky marines and a loser drunk? Will that do? (9) People shit their pants about the effects, but when the White House is blown up it looks like it's a model made out of matchsticks. (10) During this attack, the White House is completely destroyed. Every room is destroyed. When a tunnel is blown up, Will Smith's girlfriend escapes the fire sweeping through it by hiding in a cupboard. I know for a fact there's at least one cupboard in the White House, but I guess they weren't as lucky. How can a movie be this dumb? (11) After the whole city's been blown up, Will Smith's girlfriend manages to find a nicely undamaged fire truck, with the keys waiting for her inside. These guys gets all the breaks, don't they? (12) Jeff Goldblum's dad has lost his faith, but fortunately he regains his full belief after aliens, who don’t feature too prominently in the Bible, come down and destroy the earth. Hard to see how that reinforces his beliefs, really. (13) The scene where the fighter plane follows the alien ship through a canyon is a big rip off of the chase through the Death Star in Star Wars. (14) When the alien is shot down, Will Smith punches it in the face with the quip "Welcome to earth!" He then adds insult to injury with the smart-ass comment, "That's what I call a close encounter!" What better time to crack wise than when millions of people have just been killed? (15) We are told that America can't contact other countries because the aliens control all of earth's satellites. Sky TV is still broadcasting. I hate this movie. (16) It refers to the Roswell crash in the fifties, although 1947 is more commonly thought of as being in the forties. Nice research, fuckwits. (17) The President doesn't know Area 51 exists, even though there are signs outside it saying "Area 51", it's marked on tourist maps as "Area 51" and there's an "Area 51" Diner just down the road from Area 51. It’s believed George W Bush based his stupidity on this character. (18) Towards the end of the film, people just wander in to Area 51 as carefree as they like. (19) Somehow, Jeff Goldblum's dad finds a copy of the bible in there. (20) The aliens that have been held at area 51 look nothing like the Greys who are described by most abductees, but like a bad rip-off of the aliens from Sigourney Weaver's franchise. God forbid they let a bit of originality or research creep in. (21) The ship looks nothing like the one described by witnesses of the Roswell crash, but is sort of croissant-shaped, as if they thought the toys would look more interesting that way. (22) Will Smith says he has seen the ship fly so he'd be able to fly it himself. A five year old has seen a car being driven but he wouldn't pass the fuckin test. Although he could have written a more intelligent script. (23) We are shown the powerful deflector shield on the recovered ship, but just before that we see people walking around on top of it. How short are these pricks' attention spans? By this point my goldfish was pointing out mistakes. (24) Randy Quaid is laughed at through the whole movie whenever he talks about his experiences with aliens. Just as he's about to get into a plane and kill the aliens who are attacking earth, he's still laughed at. Wouldn't people be a little more open to what he's saying now half of them have been killed by aliens? (25) You can't understand a word of Bill Pullman's "moving" speech at the end of the movie. Technically that could be a good point. (26) At the end of the movie, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum hide from the telepathic aliens by ducking below the window of their spaceship. And it works. (27) In the same scene they manage to disable the aliens' computer system by infecting it with a virus. From an Apple Mac. That compatibility's a spot of luck, isn't it? (28) Worst of all, it supports the idea that sci-fi can be full of mistakes because "it's not real." Nearly every review said something like "leave your brain at home and you'll love it" but sci-fi should be the genre of imagination and intelligence. Please, lord, destroy every copy of this movie before more innocent people suffer!
	b o o k m a r k s-----r u d i e s-----u p d a t e s-----m y--i l l n e s s -----m o v i e--r e v i e w s







	Content and layout © Yawner, 2001. Hosted by Diaryland. Best viewed with IE5, probably pants with Netscape.