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am i naked?
02/11/01 @ 1:53 a.m.
Nudity really isn’t as simple as it seems. I used to think it was fairly straight forward – if you’re dressed you’re clothed, if you’re not you’re nude - but there’s grey areas that really need to be addressed. As with the decimalization of time and the redistribution of unwanted breasts, I’m volunteering myself to sort through the confusion on your behalf. Part of the problem is that nudity isn’t the same thing as being completely naked. Right now, my arms and hands and fingers and face and neck are all nude, but overall I consider myself to be dressed. So nudity has to concern a certain percentage of your overall body before it can be classed as nudity. But it’s not just about percentages, it’s about areas, because you never think about your face being naked. It’s not that it’s naked, it’s that it doesn’t have any designated clothing. Except for the balaclava. Aside from reaching the conclusion that bank robbers are the most inhibited of criminals, I’m really not making much progress with this... Cleavage is part of the problem. The top half of your boobs, which ordinarily would be called boobs and ordinarily be classed as nude, suddenly becomes cleavage when it comes in contact with a bra and a low-cut top. It’s at that point that it’s downgraded from “nude” to “revealing”. Taking the percentage system into account, and assuming that boobs, unlike faces, have the potential to be nude, there must be a point at which cleavage ceases to be cleavage and becomes nudity. But finding that point is not as easy as it seems. It’s here that we have to discuss the nipple controversy. When I first started questioning nudity, I thought nipples lay at the centre of the mystery - if a nipple remains covered, the woman in question cannot be classed as nude. I long for the simple days when that was a good enough answer. Now I realise that nipples blur the lines in their own sinister way. If a woman is wearing no clothes but two small circles of fabric over her nipples, her boobs aren’t naked. And if she’s covered from head to toe in fabric with only her nipples uncovered she’s still not naked. Clearly, nipples have too many inconsistencies to be able to offer an answer. And see-through clothing is just a fucking nightmare. You can have every part of your body fully clothed but show as much as you would if you had no clothes on at all. You’d look naked, but you’d be dressed. It’s just ridiculous. This one’s really out of my league. I’m starting to think I’ve never actually been naked. It’s gonna take a major bout of insomnia to sort this one out...
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