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if the idiots won’t come to mohammed...
21/05/02 @ 11:34 p.m.
It’s been a while since I had a twat from the Internet Movie Database sending me hatemail, so I thought I’d do a piss-taking review of Panic Room and see if that sends some new stuff my way. I’m a big fan of idiot-baiting. Panic Room An unofficial sequel to the long-running Home Alone series, Panic Room sees Jodie Foster and daughter Kristen Stewart moving into their ridiculously large house in Manhattan, only to find they’re not the only ones interested in its contents. Barely into their first forty winks in the new home, they find themselves woken by intruders and rush to the “panic room” for safety. This is perhaps the film’s biggest mistake; Kristen Stewart isn’t actually left “home alone”, because her mum’s there the whole time! It’s an interesting twist on what could have become a tired franchise, but despite the best efforts of cast and crew, it fails to recapture the magic of the Caulay McCulkin classics. In place of Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern as the hilariously incompetent burglars, we have Forest Whittaker, Jared Leto and Dwight Yoakam. They’re not as naturally comedic as Stern, nor as hilariously scary as Pesci, but they do well enough with the material they’re given. Director David Fincher, however, proves that he’s no John Hughes, as he forgets that burglary is fun! A trio of criminals invading a house is comedy gold, but Panic Room really struggles to find laughs. Its slapstick is particularly weak. For example, when people get hit with a sledgehammer in real life, they simply look dazed, then get back up to wreak more havoc, but Fincher seems to believe they’d be seriously injured and spurting blood. That’s just not funny. All in all, this was a sequel too far, and a terrible choice of director. The first Home Alone movie was a masterpiece, as was the second because it used virtually the same script, but the last two have been major disappointments. We can only hope that Caulay McCulkin and John Hughes team up for one final movie, to redeem what was once Hollywood’s best loved, and most bestest, comedy series.
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