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the mystery of the relatively polite porn
30/11/01 @ 11:43 p.m.
Across the past week I’ve been getting hits from Yahoo and Google, from people looking for “clothed boobs”, “no nude cleavage” and “fully clothed nipples.” This is by far the most interesting thing that’s happened in my largely bed-centred week. I’m fascinated by the people looking for this stuff, because they’re such revolutionary thinkers. Porn without nudity... it’s the compromise censors have been looking for for years. It’ll take us back to the golden age before porn was corrupted by sex and nudity, back to the time where you could find good old fashioned family porn, the kind of thing that united grandchildren with grandparents, as the generations sat around the fire looking at pictures of fully clothed naked people. Me and Robbie Coltrane spent the afternoon putting together a psychological profile of the people searching for this mild-mannered porn. They prefer the original version of Lady Chatterly’s Lover – the one where all the pages were glued together; they like sex shops with the doors bricked up to stop customers getting in; they frequent the more responsible peep shows that provide free eye masks; they like pole dancers, but only if they go no further than a waltz with their thin metal partners, and they always wear condoms. Always, not just when they’re having sex.
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