o l d-----n e w-----l a s t-----n e x t-----m e-----y o u-----m a i l-----n o t e s-----r i n g s-----
a new order will be born, where sarcasm is king
18/10/01 @ 11:58 p.m.
Not counting the three seconds of accidental sincerity I experienced in the late 1980s, I’ve been continually sarcastic for every minute of every day of the 23 years I’ve lived on God’s green earth. Since the dawn of sark I’ve been greatly concerned with its standards and applications, and finally it gets a rant all to itself in an attempt to deal with the problem than concerns me. The message is simple: Public domain sarcasm must stop! If you go into any stationary shop you’ll see calendars of all the bland popwanks like Hearsay and Westlife on the shelves, and there’s usually two versions. The official ones have gorgeous photos taken specifically for the calendar, while the unofficial ones have cheap and tatty photos of the talentless twats leaving film premieres or taking their dogs for a walk. These photos are in the public domain and are cheap to reproduce. The same goes for sarcasm. There’s a bank of comebacks and snide remarks that everyone knows and everyone uses, and they’re cheap, uninventive and done to death. If someone says “I did something really dumb today,” you get some smart-arse saying “No change there, then!” If you walk into a building soaking wet, holding a soggy umbrella, someone has to ask “Nice weather, is it?” If you’re in a library at university thinking how much you hate everyone around you, carrying a huge stack of books under your chin, some mofo springs forth with the hilarious, “Got enough books?” When you’re in the supermarket waiting hours to pay for your melon and your completely unrelated knife, someone has to say “by the time I pay for all this food, it would have passed its sell by date.” And when someone does a bad job of explaining something confusing, a comedy genius steps forward to say “well that clears that up, then.” We all know these jokes. We’ve all heard these jokes, we’ve all said these jokes. It’s time for these jokes to be put away and never seen again. If you can’t think of your own comeback, step aside, because, friends, a rehearsed adlib is no adlib at all. Public domain sarcasm must stop, because it’s pissing me off. No change there then.
	b o o k m a r k s-----r u d i e s-----u p d a t e s-----m y--i l l n e s s -----m o v i e--r e v i e w s
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