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i'll never eat lunch in that town
06/05/02 @ 10:48 p.m.
A little while ago I got a book called “500 Ways To Beat The Hollywood Script Reader” by Jennifer Lerch. It’s designed to give you tips on how to get script readers to recommend a screenplay to studio executives. Hollywood gets so many scripts sent in its direction that the studios employ readers to scan the scripts and bin ones that don’t look interesting. I hate having to explain this shite to an audience when I already know what I’m talking about, dammit! If the rest of you worshipped movies too it’d save me a lot of effort. Anyway, my script is at the stage now where I need to do a final read-through to make sure the tone is consistent, and then it’s done. After that, I’ll be at the public ridicule stage where I need to get an agent and actually sell the fucking thing, at which point I’d like to be told by everyone I know that I’m just daydreaming and it’ll never actually happen as I watch the rejection letters pile up on the doormat. I figured the book might give a few useful tips on technical stuff like formatting and layout, to make sure it’s as professional as possible before moving on to that horrifying stage. But this book has terrified me. I’m aware of how many bad movies there are in the world, but reading this book is a real insight into why there are so many. Fans of copyright law should look away as I pillage the book for some of its more distressing tips... Tip 23, on the average length of a screenplay: “A few pages over 120 is okay, but once you get into the 130s and 140s your project is suspect.” How long was the script for JFK for the love of God? Was Oliver Stone dismissed as unprofessional? I’m terrified already, and I’m only on page 27! Tip 39, on describing characters with flair: “Jinx Paige, a panther in Armani.” I can’t tell you how long I laughed at the name “Jinx Paige!” Tip 42, on characterisation: “Remember to not fall prey to clichés. Give chorus girl Bobbie some smarts and ambition. Give construction worker Joe a degree in philosophy.” Oh sweet lord. They think this passes for original, three-dimensional characterisation? I’m fucked. Tip 78, on how to write ethnic dialogue: “Keep in mind that this is not the 1890s, so writing do, dem, dat to convey an African-American talking is offensive.” So that's how Hollywood makes so many forward-thinking black movies... I’m never gonna make it.
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