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tales from the new world
02/02/02 @ 11:54 p.m.
There’s an inevitable culture clash that occurs when you’re dating someone from another country, and that’s certainly been the case for me and Laura. I haven’t got any culture, so that simplifies things, but she comes from a country called “Scotland”, and her native ways are sometimes hard to adjust to. Today I experienced the mysteries of “tablet”, a brick-looking sweet normally restricted only to Scotchlanders – I feel honoured that the tribesmen let me have a taste. It’s a hard thing to describe. Imagine taking some glue, mixing in a shitload of sand, and baking at 180 degrees for seven years and you’ll be getting close. It’s a sweet like no other. If I took it back to Portishead with me and left some on the beach, an amateur geologist could find it and write to every scientific journal he could think of claiming he’d discovered a new mineral. The ingredients are pure cane sugar, evaporated milk, condensed milk, margarine, and butter. What the hell is going on? These are ingredients that are meant to be added to other ingredients, they’re not food on their own! You can’t just chuck these things in a bowl at random and pretend it’s food! It’d be like me mixing up flour and nutmeg and calling it a sweet! And it’s impossible to actually eat. You put a chunk in your mouth, bite down to break it, and find it’s already dissolved to half its size. So you bite down again, adjusting to the smaller size, and find it’s disappeared altogether! It’s just a very mysterious substance. And y’know, it really pisses me off when I can’t think how to finish an entry.
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